The Dark Lord who shagged me
by ikjerejhrehnfd
Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione Shagwell are finding the horcruxes to defeat Dr evil Voldemort, but they find themselves in a sticky situation when the horcruxes turn out to be mojos and Mini Me Malfoy gets involved.


"So this means…" Ron swallowed and screwed up his face in a look of disgust and horror "that the fourth horcrux is fat bloaters mojo?"

"His name is _Hagrid_" Hermione Shagwell corrected Ron "and yes Ron for the last time! Hagrids mojo is a horcrux!"

"Hermione I really don't like the sound of this…. I mean…. Think of poor Harry!"

"Whatever happens, we must stay by him, we've been best friends for six years, we're facing this together!"

"B-b-b-ut" Ron's breaking voice jumped an octave.

"Don't panic Ron! Harry will know what to do! He's the chosen one."

"Exactly… he's the chosen _one_, so I think we ought to let him acquire Hagrids mojo himself."

"How dare you!" Hermione was fastly becoming furious "Harry will be back soon and if he finds us arguing he'll feel awful!"

"Okay okay I'm sorry Hermione Shagwell, how do you propose _we're_ going to get this horcrux then?"

"Well isn't it obvious? And hey don't call me that! We have to go and find Hagrid as soon as Harry's finished Quidditch and ask him about where he keeps the mojo."

"Erm Herm, you do know what a mojo is?" Ron's cheeks were rapidly becoming the colour of his hair.

"Well, I presumed it was some kind of ferocious endangered animal" She paused as Ron let out a nervous giggle "like perhaps a dragon or maybe one we didn't learn about in OWL care of magical creatures, or maybe something really rare."  
Ron was speechless and his eyes were wide with fear and apprehension.

Since Ron was being slightly quiet Hermione went on "It's not like Hagrid to keep a secret like this from us! Maybe he betrayed Dumbledore and is with he who must not be named, or he's still waiting for the right moment to tell Harry that he has a horcrux in his possession… I think my opinions of Hagrid are changing for the worse! Whatever his reasons are, I can't wait until Harry gets back so we can all go and find out!"

Ron gulped.

"What is it Ron? Do you feel ill?"

"Erm…. Herm…. You've missed the point here... You see... A mojo isn't a magical beast… well actually it is…. metaphorically speaking…. It's Hagrids'…. Manly need to you know… umm….. have.." His voice suddenly became a high pitched squeak and with a lisp he squealed "wizard shex."

"W-w-hat?"

"Um yeah, this is possibly the reason behind my slight teeny-weeny over-reaction to the whole topic of conversation."

Harry walked into the common room.

"Hey you guys! Hugs all round! Hermione and Ron! Bitches get here now! Quidditch was gryffindoriffic! I've been ordering the new team-Gryffindor quidditch shorts and crop tops, they're positively scrumptious! Mauve's the colour! With baby pink Malibu trim! We weren't sure whether to opt for the silk-spandex or the viscose for the shorts... but I decided on silk-spandex for extra flexibility, absorbance and stretch. Ooooh and did I mention the go-go boots? I did not! Oh yes we have leopard print boots! The Hufflepoofs will be sooooo jelly-wellous! Am I talking too much? Do I talk too much? What have you two been doing while I was gone? Come on! Don't hesitate – I want the gossip girlies."

Ron and Hermione exchanged worried glances, and Ron poked Hermione and whimpered "You tell him Hermione, this was your idea."

"What's up baby?" Harry coochied Ron's cheeks and then jumped into his lap doing his best cat impression.

"Harry! Get off me, this is uncomfortable!"

"What is? Me or your ronny-wonkins?"

"Enough Harry" Hermione shouted and slapped his wrist, which made Harry whine and then start purring. "Harry, we know where the fourth erm horcrux is, b-b-b-ut"

Harry abruptly jumped up and started doing the 'defeating Voldermort' dance which successfully gained the attention of the whole Gryffindor common room. "Where! Where! Where?" He sounded orgasmic.

Hermione replied eagerly "Harry this is serious… you see Harry….the horcrux is…." She stopped, speechless.

Ron then yelled in a squeaky voice "Hagrids mojo!"

"Oh my days!" Harry ejaculated.

"Sssh Harry!" Snapped Ron and Hermione in chorus.

"Oh be nice!"

"Harry we wanted to tell you this in private. We're going somewhere private."

A muscular Ron grabbed Harry by the arms and dragged him in the direction of the exit. He'd been working out for months to be able to lift another man and felt macho for the first time.

"Get off me! Perv! Ron please don't rape me!" Harry became the centre of attention once more "Don't rape me again!"

"Harry shut it!"

"Harry please take us seriously. We _need_ to_ talk_ about you know who, not shout, not prance about, not dance, and not be over-dramatic."

"But where are you taking me, oh rapists?"

"Fine then, seeing as your life couldn't possibly become any more dramatic-"

"It's pronounced _dramatique_" Harry interrupted.

Ron then without warning ran head first into a wall, headbutted it then bounced back and tripped over a chair leg, sailed through the air and landed on his back. People cheered, and Colin Creevy, editor of the Daily Potter, assembled his crew of photographers and journalists at speed.

Harry tried to fight Colin away from him. "Argh! Get that filthy little pervert away from me! He takes photos of me in the shower for the 'Harry and his little weasley' magazine! Colin how many times do I have to tell you it's over between us?"

Hermione grimaced. "Colin please, leave Harry alone! Get out of our way."

Ron got up off the floor and dived for the door. Hermione and Harry followed.

The library was crowded with first and second years as it was still the early evening. Harry lead Ron and Hermione to the only part that was likely to be quiet at this time of day, the 'experimental wizard sex' section.

"So dolls, what is this gossip about a horcrux I hear?"

"Harry we know where it is!" Hermione got excited.

"But not exactly how you- er- we're going to get it" Said Ron.

"I know this is slightly disturbing, but it's Hagrids mojo."

"Hermione Shagwell!" Was all Harry had to say.

"He seems to be taking it better than I thought he would" Ron prodded and whispered to Hermione.

"I think we should go and find Hagrid now! We need a full explanation. This is serious we don't have time to waste." said Hermione.

Harrys facial expression changed suddenly, it went from his usual 'fuck me – I'm famous' fake smile to a look of pure disgust "I've figured something out. To get this horcrux I'm going to have to shagrid! Shag Hagrid!"

Harry did an energetic version of the 'defeating Voldemort dance' once again and Ron and Hermione looked at each other in disbelief.

"Harry we don't know what you should do but we must go to Hagrid and find out." Hermione gave an enthusiastic whoop, which was completely out of character and yelled "Take that Voldemort you shit!"

"Yeah Hermione you go girl! I'm curious as to how you acquired this information."

"Professor McGonagall told us, it was one of three secrets Dumbledore was going to tell you when you left Hogwarts, but seeing as he's gone now it's up to McGonagall to deal with things."

A tear trickled down Harrys pale face, as it did every time he heard Dumbledore's name.

"The whorebucket! She told you before she told me? May she be raped by transsexual trolls! That's a curse I learnt… women, they drive me insane! Why didn't she tell Dumbledores secrets to me?"

"Harry it's nothing personal! It's because we're slightly more rational than you and aren't likely to curse her with transsexualius trollius." Ron blurted out.

"Fair enough. I would hold a grudge but I don't think it would do my publicity any good. We have no time to lose! Let's go, onwards to Hagrid! We have a horcrux to destroy."


End file.
